Idealism is Not Ideal

My life continues to clip along without hues of calamity. I do have moments of introspective realism. My husband asked me last night why Im not enjoying sex every time though at times I do. There may be a number of factors. ..Im tired from long days of hustling to my sons basball games. Certainly I am physically at the beginning stage of menopause at late 40's. And confronting our troubles brought me out somewhat bereft of drive. Functional sex lacking emotional connection also makes pleasure elusive. Not that he truly wanted to know. I replied its not that...a simplistic answer at best but acceptable to him as he pursued no more depth than that. He is completely obtuse on the physical as well or perhaps is not willing to see me in the light of aging. Anyways the question did lead me into some intropect of my own mind. Ive come to see that I was always a romantic even when I believed I was a cynic. Forever true love, the white knight, dedication.  I wasnt raised with any romantic examples.  My parents were not there for guidance nor did I receive love. They weren't together even when I was a baby. My mother never hugged me or said I love you. Nor my dad on the rare visitations. I haven't had contact with my mom in 15 years. My dad occasionally. My first and only boyfriend was a liar and cheater. Yet somewhere my soul believed.  And throughout the troubles of my marriage that belief was tenaciously entrenched in my subconscious - fed by the first 11 years where it was fulfilled by my husband at every turn.  And with it I realize that because of that romanticism in my nature my emotions need to be engaged to enjoy sex. Even when that emotion was desperation or anger it still provided drive. And there is now none left to engage me. I may eventually surpass that limitation. I do believe its possible to enjoy the physical without the emotional. I used to read a lot. Sci-fi. ..and romance novels. A week ago I picked up a romance. In the old days I would digest these books in a couple hours with absorbed enjoyment.  I made it less than halfway over a weeks time and cannot muster enough interest to continue. This made the change in me apparent. I dont view it as a positive or negative change. Just a change that is. So...I haven't looked at my husbands phone. Or email. Nor care to. I see him ogle other women...kinda hard not to but I dont emote over it. The only comment of note in the past month was when my husband asked why I dont wear anything sexy any more. I simply answered it didnt matter when I did because he was into other women even when I did. My idealism was to his advantage but wasn't ideal for me!