Stale Mate

Wow...so its been longer than I thought since I visited my blog. Part of that due to some much needed space. I took a week long trip with my daughter to Montana.  A peaceful retreat...and some much needed venting to my step dad. He actually broached the subject having gleaned my need to talk from some of my letters. Reality came back with a thump upon my return. My husband wasn't exactly a dick but also didn't express much interest other than an impression of resentment at my "vacation" that he never gets. Did I mention my stepdad paid for the trip? And that his parents offered to take him to Hawaii and he declined?! I encouraged him to go but he felt they should have invited me too...but then who would have stayed with the kids? They didn't ask twice and went without him..and he was resentful of that - how stupid.  And his sister went - and shes a blast so he would have had fun. We actually got along fine after that in bed and out of it. It felt good if only it had lasted. Anyways a couple weeks later I then went to San Diego for a week with my younger son. Also relatively "free" since we stayed with my family. My son had a baseball tournament 2 days and the rest was just fun time. He tried to verbally abuse me over the phone during the trip but a quick hang up and no more answering calls fixed that.When my husband picked us up at the airport he barely said hi just like before. In the car he set the radio to blast and didn't ask us about our trip or anything. I mean who does that? You would think that free week to absorb all the porn he wanted would have made him happy lol. Later I asked to show him some pictures from our trip...he said "do you mind if we do that later..I'm just tired". Sure, I replied...but he never expressed interest - not even in pictures of his son playing ball so to this day hasn't seen any pics. He also expresses resentment that I get to go places and he doesn't - yet he spends around 400.00 per month on pot - I don't spend 50.00 per month on me - but if you point that out he will scream he makes the money and can do what he wants with HIS money. He still guards his phone. Takes it in the bathroom when taking a shower...its not like hes expecting a call. All he talks about is his job...endlessly.  Every night. The only almost real talk was during a walk. He mentioned that sometimes he doesn't feel like I love him and it would help if I showed him affection and touched him. I sorta grunted a hmm in response...not saying anything.  And he actually accepted that as an answer. The voice in my head had a few comments including recognition of the futility of a more in depth response. He didn't express the desire to delve into what was wrong...just what he wanted.  A real connection would require an honest discussion about whats in his head, where he's at with porn etc...i'm thinking his head is just empty of true emotion or being anyways.  The other day he asked what I was doing on my phone and I told him paying a bill. I asked "what do you do on your phone at 4am every morning? " & he's like "exactly what you think I'm doing". Well I don't think of it much...I'm past that. As an indication of his shallowness over the weekend we got free cinemax and hbo. The kids and I searches all the good movies and set them to record. He sees "Sexual Wish List" (porn) and says "record that for me". I did....I mean who cares? He recorded another one as well...its Tuesday and hes already watched them twice. Not while I was awake of course. So things are soooo stale. I'm not emotionally mangled. ..ergo not emotionally invested leaving me bored. Somewhat lonely. But not sad. Just different. Just stale. No mate.