The D Word

 It’s not just a word anymore. It’s been a while. I’ve been taking notes but not really blogging those notes. I filed for divorce in March did the filing and initial paperwork myself. Saved a bit of money spent that year planning and setting myself up documenting assets interviewing lawyers, I had him served along with a restraining order Getting him out of the house and me away from abuse. Got a puppy at the same time best retail therapy ever. No one was happy about me filing the restraining order. The kids didn’t even seem to understand why, even though they witnessed all the screaming, and the chasing in the cops and everything. Although I regret it now at the time the kids asked me to lift that restraining order so that he could reside in a camper on the property. I always seem to be the one stuck doing the right thing we’re not really even the right thing, but the good thing and still not getting any understanding for that. In the end, I suppose it worked out OK, but it didn’t really completely save me from abuse. There were incidents of him barging in the house, taking things saying he could come in whenever he wanted, even though that wasn’t the agreement. Of course, that allowed him to play the victim. Even though he’s literally proved he’s dangerous-not just with threats but actions. Trying to drive us off a bridge exemplifies him as a threat to my life. Anyways the tough part was not finally filing but watching my daughter rally for him. Not speaking to me. Giving him all her support taking him to lawyer meetings like he’s not a whole ass adult who should be doing that himself. There was an incident where he wanted to take our spare truck that was at a shop for repair. A shop I paid to have it towed to. He wanted it and I said no-we each had access to one car which was fair. But not acceptable to him or my daughter as it turns out. She lied to me and helped him to get the truck. I caught wind of it and went to the shop. It wasn’t even the truck I think at this point. He was using our daughter to hurt me-and it was working. And it was working because she was contributing to it. The same girl who had been subjected and witnessed his verbal abuse. And was suddenly his biggest supporter. The one I was in fact close to and now had zero support for me. It ate my soul. But I let it and that part is on me. I remember at one point she said that it was kinda my fault she wasn’t close to her dad because of me and how she knew more than a kid should. She also said I should t have told her “stuff”. Interesting part is the first time I really found out for sure he was hunting women on a dating app SHE was the one that told me. She’d seen the app and his text bubbles and told me about it. I later created a fake profile and verified he was doing exactly that by stringing him along. But I wouldn’t have known-at least at that time-if she hadn’t come to me. Anyways she continued to pretty much ghost me barely coming home-in part because I didn’t tell her prior the day I was having him served. At least that’s the claim. But I weighed heavy in my head whether I should. I decided I didn’t want to have to ask her to hide or lie about that information to her own dad. No kid should be I. That position between parents so I did my business. But I also believe a large part was her finally being needed by him. An attention she’s never received from him before. Alone for a solid 5 days I was drinking my sorrows. I’d never expected my daughter to turn on me. I trusted her and she broke that trust and that hurt far more than the divorce. After feeling abandoned she came home unexpectedly. I ended up screaming at her and yelling that maybe a gun would take care of everyone’s issues with me. She left for a few more days. I took accountability without excuse for that behavior. I apologized multiple times but even though I’d laid 18 years of relationship foundation down and believed in its strength I was wrong. That was a year ago now. We are on better footing but I see moments where I still see her break my trust. Im still learning this new way of being careful with giving her my full self so it doesn’t bite me in the ass. In July she went with her dad and her oldest brother and his girlfriend to my exes family reunion. They spent 20 minutes absolutely trash talking and insulting me while validating and excusing Jeff’s nasty behavior of years. How do I know? He secretly recorded them. All of it. And shared it with me. And I’m the toxic one?! Never had any conversation with or in front of them about him or the divorce. In fact if someone did I would actually shut that conversation down. Jeff encouraged and fed it. They all did. I’ll always carry that disappointment in them with me. I also learned it’s not something that’s stopped. Maybe not frequent but a reminder that my oldest and youngest in no way have my back. I don’t expect them to take my side but I did expect them to take neither. But their dad can talk nasty with their acceptance. I can’t even feel without their judgement. Hearing that smear campaign and them participating enthusiastically was a heartbreaker. That was 9 months ago and I have never had a smear conversation about Jeff. In fact when I was with my brother we did not discuss Jeff or my divorce. My brother 100% has supported me. Told me to take him to the cleaners for the way he treated me. But we would never have that talk in front of or with my kids-and Rio was there. Doing the right thing is sometimes exhausting and disappointing but I still refuse to become as classless as Jeff. And his family as it turns out. No wonder him and his siblings are dysfunctional enabled and hateful. I plan to eventually podcast or YouTube this blog. With that in mind the actual divorce will be a beast of its own in a post but for now suffice to say I got all I wanted materially in the divorce. I also broke free of abuse. I won disappointment in those I trusted. And came to greater understanding of keeping to myself. The D word is no longer something to be thrown about by my ex. It’s now a lifestyle