Flying Monkeys

 If you know the term you know. Flying monkeys. It’s been 6 months since the divorce was final. Almost 3 months since the last time I had any contact with my ex. It’s much better on this side. But sometimes I see his control and tactics peep through. I continue to be a person I can respect in the face of it. The example:

It’s our middle son’s senior day at college. 6 hours away. And that means I’m there with our daughter and our son’s girlfriend. I really should take note that not only does my daughter text with her dad throughout every single day but visits him nightly at his house to smoke weed and visit. She is and has been his new supply. Anyways there we are in town for senior day. I get to my son’s place and we visit awhile. It comes up that their dad will be arriving with his parents and sister soon. There was trepidation shared by the kids over how my exes sister would act. That surprised me. Although I expected that enabling family to flock around my ex she did know he was cheating and had cheated multiple times. She even laughed with her brother (my ex) about him having a girlfriend. That was in maybe late 2021-I blocked her on all social media at that point. Regardless she was also cheated on by her ex. As per usual for me I overestimated her as a person and thought she’d stay out of our divorce at least when it comes to the kids and especially since she told her brother to divorce me back in 2021. I overheard her with him on the phone. Wrong. I’m good at wrong. So I was a little disconcerted by the kids implying they though my she would be..I don’t know..confrontational? Rude? Aggressive? with me about divorcing her brother if we were in each others presence. They just kept saying “they didn’t know about her if I was around”. The first thing this told me is that my ex and his sister shit talked me in front of an to the kids. Now the kids are young adults but sharing hatefulness about their mom lacks class.  Surprising in some ways but not others. In a side note my brother is 100 percent on my side and wanted me to be ruthless in my divorce but when we had lunch with my daughter not only did we not talk badly of my ex but we didn’t talk about him at all. That’s class. And emotionally intelligent-something my exes family clearly lacks. The second thing this told me is somewhere subconsciously they believed she would have this character flaw though they haven’t the maturity to examine that yet. Both my son and daughter states they could somewhat understand her attitude “because if someone broke their (siblings) heart they would have a problem with them too”. This struck me because even when I thought my ex and I were happy he was actually calling escorts and lying about his whereabouts. He was an angry person at me for years which left me crying until I stood up to it. All were aware he was a cheater as well. And I broke his heart? That’s nonsensical. Since my exes sister had told him to divorce me and get rid of me repeatedly in the past it’s safe to say what they were really mad about is that I filed for divorce effectively beating him to the punch. In their controlling outlook this put me in the power position which she especially didn’t like but also put him in the victim position. As a side note my oldest son did his baby mama wrong. I didn’t hate her for leaving him. I supported her and maintain a good relationship with her. My son was wrong. I’m still there for him but I don’t excuse, support or validate what he did. He needs to grow from that and I’m direct with him about it. That’s an indication of why my ex lacks integrity in the first place. Validating him and excusing him along with joining a smear campaign makes the mm the definition of flying monkeys. So step forward to them arriving at my sons place while I was there. I refused (in my mind not verbally) to be run off on my sons senior day weekend by his dads family-or his dad. Though it was implied this is what could or should happen. Oddly and unexpectedly it was actually my ex who was the least mannerly even though we’ve acheived civility and even had lunch together once since the divorce. He even picked me up from dropping a rental car. So that shows that he has an alternate act he puts on for his family. Pretty typical narcissist stuff. Being in his sisters presence turned out to not be strained after all. So maybe they all underestimated her. I’m sure it was really just a two faced persona in order to not make her look bad-it’s one thing to inappropriately denigrate their mom when I’m not present but a scene at my sons would have been on her looking bad not me. She’s not entirely stupid. So the visit and the senior day went fine. I felt somewhat awkward but it was tolerable. Then came dinner. There was a plan for senior dinner. In my mind and heart it was just my sons dinner and I would go and his dad and family would go. Not them taking him or me. The initial worry was split time but since the day went fine and this was about our son not our differences we all went. But my daughter had talked to me about how she’d talked to her grandpa and he’d said as long as he didn’t have to pay for my dinner I “could go”. No one suggested that as long as they paid for theirs they “could go”. This was a power move by my ex and his family. As if I gave a shit. I rode with my son and his girlfriend which changed the dynamic and positioned my more equally. The funnest part was being the better person. And acting with class. So when I told the waiter I needed a separate check I also ordered chips and spinach dip on my tab for the table. I also ordered a smaller steak and replaced the difference with chips and salsa for the table. Which they ate. If the can’t be gracious I can show them what grace is. And the dinner also went fine. And again oddly the sister acknowledged me more than anyone else. And at one point I aligned my opinion with my ex about mys sons strikeout count at the baseball game. Again superseding them with graciousness. I was quite glad to think that it may be years maybe ever before I ever have to see any of them again including  the ex. The only correlated thing that happened is I did state to my daughter that I had feelings about them being considered “more important” in determining taking our son out for his senior night. If he ever married he’s not having two rehearsal dinners and they don’t have priority. My daughter stated “well there is more of them here and they don’t see him (our son) as often” then she stated she didn’t want to hear it or talk about it. It was a rude and abrupt shut down. So she is in fact capable of shutting shit down so why only me? It’s subtle in the tone and style but a clear line that she is still leaning sides. That neutral is t her zone. That if I have feelings not only am I not allowed to ever share them but I am wrong for having them. I’ll not make the mistake again of thinking I can trust her with openness and that means I can’t trust her generally with my life, thoughts or plans. And that’s sad. I mentioned that she made a point of siding with her dad and being distraught that I filed. The caveat to that is she states numerous times I should divorce him. She presented firmly that I should and she supported it. But when I did it was an about face. I encourage her future and her independence even when I like having her around. If she’s with her dad and or his family I don’t text her. But when she’s with me he dad texts her-all day. 10-15 or more times per day. It’s obsessive and weird to me. She’s not a child she’s 19. In some ways I hope she never understands this method of narcissist supply. But I also fear for her relationship future if she doesn’t know it. A conundrum. All I know for sure right now is I am held to a higher standard than any of the other family. That’s typical for moms but that doesn’t make it easier. And having to suppress who I am as a human for meme doesn’t build a trust relationship. It makes it shallow. I find shallow relationships challenging. Looks like my life has to be a challenge nonetheless.