Let's Do Lunch

Again my husband became angry over some trivial moment where he felt justified to again verbally abuse me in the usual fashion...the name calling etc. He opted to toss in a little extra in an effort to offend or make me feel...I dont know - wounded? He doesn't think it through with any reasoning just spews out like word vomit. As a little historical set up when I took my daughter to visit my stepdad a few years ago it was at a time I needed to talk. Needed to hear reason. I don’t turn to other men. My husband is aware of that and has been forever offended that I shared my feelings and problems with my stepdad. So his little extra tidbit was that his cousins wife Suzanne asked him what was up with our marriage...since he's had no compunction over the years in being rude to me in front of his family its obvious something is up so the question is believable. Then he states "so I told her what a bitch you are and how you hide money and she thought that was fucked up". My response "yeah..did you tell her everything? How you're addicted to porn, cheat, talk to other women, chased a neighbor, hurl abuse at me - all of it? Or that you knew very well about me getting a small work comp settlement which I saved to buy our son a car? But that you can't remember anything that doesn't involve you?" he replied yes...but of course he didn't. He fed information to get the response he wanted rather than honest feedback. And as a side note he has idolized her with lust since the first time they met. Narcissists don't tarnish their own images. That's if she really even asked him and if they really even had a conversation. Either way I can't say it perturbed me - I don't care what his cousins wife might perceive and can't be bothered with imaginary opinions.
It did however make me think...what if someone asked me that question? What if I ran into Suzanne and we had lunch and she asked what was up with my marriage? So lets reflect..lets have that lunch:

You know I really don't think I ever knew who I married. I think I married what my husband wanted me to see and what I wanted to see. And that enthusiasm..that romanticism lasted for almost 15 years. . I was super happy with him. We never really fought..just a few odd little things but nothing I thought twice about. I was telecommuting so used the internet at home. So sometimes he'd go on the internet and again I didn't think twice. But after awhile i'd go online to work and all this stuff would pop up..porn links. Some stuff coming into our email. And I finally asked him hey you looking at porn a lot? He'd answer no. More stuff. Ask again. Answer no again. Then he started coming to bed much later. Later and later. Then getting up really early. Heck he was only sleeping a few hours a night. Claimed he had insomnia. I looked into my computer and realized he was looking at porn a lot so I told him he seemed tired and was sure spending a lot of time online. I still didn't think it was a big deal - I mean guys look right? So I didn’t make a big deal out of it. He sorta tapered off but after awhile it got worse. He'd stay up til 2am online then get up at 430am. I looked into my computer again and was horrified at the amount of porn - it was more than whats "normal". I confronted him and he agreed and cut back. And all was good again. This happened over and over and each time he went back it was sooner and worse. By this time a couple years had passed so in between it was good. The stuff he looked at at first was mild like naked women.  I tried joining him so he'd watch with me but he'd treat me like I needed to be like the women in the porn. Then he worked his way up to orgies, shemales, gang bangs and teens. So now I'd confront him and he started telling me I had a problem and we started to argue about porn all the time over a couple years. Then one day I discovered a secret email he had - exchanging emails with women and trying to hook up. When confronted him he'd call me names and minimize it then repent. I did a lot of crying. |At the same time he started being really abusive - emotionally and verbally and sometimes physically - he'd only grab or push me or just get really in my face calling me a bitch but its all the same. I remember a summer of staring out the window of the truck - must of been around 06 - all summer crying all the time. One time his auxiliary gas tank wouldn't work and he started screaming at me that I'd done something - I hadn't touched it. He spent 10 minutes yelling at me about what a stupid bitch I was. Another time he made a mistake leaving his phone at a hotel - he tried to blame me and when I said it wasn't my fault he grabbed my phone out of my hand and chucked it out the window. Always in front of our boys. Then hed repent and be better for a few months or eventually just weeks and I always bought it back then. One day he was moving snow for a neighbor and I went to get his winter boots for him because I thought his feet might get cold ...and found a list of hookers - even a tranny - off backpage in his boots! He had star ratings and phone numbers. I was grossed out - and hurt. We made up but it changed things - it just went too far - he even lied about it at first.  I checked his phone calls and he had actually called hookers. He finally fessed up when I told him I'd called them! Then it got better for a bit...kinda up and down cuz he always went back to porn. We did have some good times - that always lulled me into being ok. Then in 08 or so he started this thing with a neighbor - mostly him but she enjoyed her influence over him. He came home once and went to her house not ours...supposedly to get some crank but when he came home all he did was rant cuz she didn't pay enough attention to him which annoyed me. Then her husband left and they were losing their house..she also already had a boyfriend. She stored some stuff at our place and when I gave some of Herbs tax returns to him she bitched to my husb and he had the gall to yell at me! Then tell me I was a slut because I was wearing shorts in front of her boyfriend when he came to pick up her stuff. Things just went south from there. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive over and over. He gaslighted me all the time - does all this and then tells me I'm the one with problems. Tells me no wonder no one ever loved me. Hes been saying for 9 years or so on and off that he's done with me, I'm a bitch, a cunt, frigid blah blah. He's called our daughter a bitch. Bought the boys alcohol. Given them weed. He spends a ton on weed and cigarettes then complains about money. And as far as money goes he claimed I  hid it from him but I told him all about a settlement check - he just forgets about anything thats not about him. I didnt say hey I got it today but thats cuz I needed it to buy my son a car. So then we kinda plateaued...not really getting along but not fighting as much - he'd just call me a bitch and a cunt and say he could do what he wanted so I just avoided conflict. One time he said he was at work- he lied. He was at a truck stop arcade visiting a glory hole - I mean granted I was pretty anti sex after that - I did my duty hoping eventually we could work through and get back to it being good again. i should have told you that in all that time I was pretty sexual - dressed it and did it, and was open and adventurous so none of this had anything to do with me. Then year before last I think he said he was going out with some work buddies. I didn't have a problem with that. He had me cut his hair after he spit polished his truck. pretty easy to figure that one out. I can't tell you how many sites he'd been to over those years for chatting, dating, hookups, live facetime. I was pretty hurt by then and unloved . But this one was over the top disrespectful. It was our anniversary weekend and a week before my birthday and he had a date at a hotel with some chick older than me from an online dating app. I didn't bust his chops on it until Monday...he was already trying to set up a hookup with another gal - it was me pretending. A need to know situation. He went to counseling for a month or so after - he always wants me to go but Ive talked to marriage counselors - they sent me to domestic violence group and counseling. I needed time but started to think we could get through it again. I knew we couldn’t go back but had hope for forward. .But I don't think he ever confronted himself so it didn't do anything and though we were sexual again the abuse started again. But that was the last time I just sat back and let him abuse me without defense. And I quit crying so much. He was a real jerk about me flying (my dream job)- accused me of fucking pilots and shit. Funny thing is all the ones I dealt with were married and faithful...slamclickers we called them cuz they hit the hotel hit their room and you didn’t see them again. He thinks that way and thinks they do too not realizing it’s an internal thing for him. Anyways I quit flying - partly for him but for my daughter and the extra abuse I was subjected to wasn't worth it. Thats about as short as I can make the story. We get along some and don’t get along some and he can't seem to get it - doesnt try. Doesn't fathom menopause in the mix. He's just not nice to me a lot of the time. Or my daughter. Hell he gets mad if we cover our face while he chain smokes even though we don't bitch about the smoking we’re just trying to be healthy. It's just another part of his anger. He has issue I try and want to understand but you can't reason with him so what do you do? I've stayed out of that love and hope so we  can live our lives - he didn't need to take that away too. But he finally has what he wants - freedom - and it pisses him off even more for some reason.

So thats it. A looong lunch. I didn't even include the possible questions that would be interspersed in there. I don't think I ever want to have that lunch.