Now that the worst of the storm is past the destruction is what is left. I feel the necessity to lay out the details. I may repeat somewhat but there is always more than meets the eye. If you are reading this because you are with a verbally emotionally abusive narcissist like my husband be forewarned that a marked increase in abuse indicates a marked increase in deceit. They go hand in hand and feed each other exponentially. Under the surface of my days I recognized this. I also ignored it to an extent. That may have been a primarily peaceful response but left me feeling a little like a fool as well.
For the past year my husbands verbal abuse has ebbed and flowed. When I thought things were getting better for a stretch...two weeks being a stretch. We would have sex...then the flow would come the next day. A sudden verbal attack because I offered to help on some mechanic thing. He threw a wrench at me for offering...or because he was frustrated but either way the scare tactics were directed at me. Or because I didnt hear something. And I would be back to not being the least bit interested in sex with someone who is mean. I also refused to be pathetic and defended myself. Usually reasonably by pointing out I should not be talked to that way. Also just as usually my husband would then point out what a bitch I am, How I am a terrible wife. No one likes me. No wonder I have no friends. How I think everything should be perfect. Yada Yada. Occasionally I would try to re-direct to the specific issue at hand (the abusive snap) but that was rarely successful. This is the timeline after the fact but here goes.
Several months ago he joined a website called meetme. He did not list himself as married. He proceeded to chat up women. He texted one woman in Wyoming who then sent him very dirty pictures--pictures of her hooha. Yuck. He kept the texts with the pictures. In september he started chatting with Stephanie. A divorced mother of one whose profile says she wants no married men but she responded to my husband knowing he was married so again not so much. She is slightly older than me but looks much older. Trashy in a bikerish trailer park style with a mouth to match. They chatted. They texted for at least several weeks. Then started talking on the phone. Not briefly but hours. While he was at work or on his way home. They sexted. My husband has a penchant for jacking off...he often needs to be jacked off at the end of sex even. So he claims he didnt masturbate while talking/texting/sexting to her behind his locked door but that is a lie which I know with a certainty akin to knowing I wont live forever. In fact one night my husband and I were sitting in the living room. He smiled at his phone and I asked who are you texting that youre smiling at your phone. He said something then went to sit in the front yard. Where he called Stephanie and talked to her for 90 minutes while his family was sitting inside and I was oblivious. Well not so oblivious really. This is a powerful affront on every level for me. Beyond disrespect I cant even fathom the sociopath connotations. This was the day before our anniversary on 9/26/16. On the day of our anniversary he told me that Saturday he planned on going out with the guys from work. And that he hoped Eddie would go to because they'd have a blast. But Shane was going...blah blah - he pursued his lies as hard as he pursued his date. On 9/25 he was looking up hotels in Westminster. He found a La Quinta and mapped it. Mapped it again on 9/26 and 9/28. Then called Stephanie again. Contact both on Meetme and the phone was initiated by him. He pursued her and pursued her hard. He told her we were "separated". He failed to tell her that just a couple weeks before we had sex (eww) . And that we hadnt had sex the couple weeks after because he verbally abused me and insulted me. He again had on hour conversation with her on Thursday. On Friday the 30th of September he came home and spent several hours cleaning his truck inside and out. When he came in the house he asked me to trim his hair - but not a lot and "not to fuck it up" because last time it was a little messed up. I obliged. On Saturday he went out. Bought condoms. A normal stranger date is to meet someone at a bar or public place...isnt it? I wouldnt know but thats what I think. They didnt. They met at the hotel and went to a room. According to him they kissed then went out for drinks. Then back to the room where they talked and kissed more. Since she knew he lived with his wife shes both desperate and a slut - but with her lack of looks beggars cant be choosers. He screamed at me that they fucked as well when eventually confronted.. And in the logic of the entire situation of course they fucked and tongued - no news to me. He only aid it to try to wound - unsuccessfully. And it pisses me off beyond comprehension that he actually thinks I would believe the biggest pile of crap hes managed to come up with - that he was lying about what they did do! I got home from the concert at about 2 am. I spent midnight to 1am waiting on a cab. Then a half hour ride to my car and another half hour drive home. he got home just a few minutes before me so no he didnt spend the night with her. He got what he wanted and came home to lie and find something new or better the very next morning. I told him about my night and my crazy friend. He was strangely silent about his fun with the guys - which is out of character as typically he thinks the world revolves around him. I was already putting puzzle pieces together. Avoiding the obvious to avoid the drama. But the abuse, the car cleaning, the haircut. How thrilled he was that I was going somewhere with my girlfriend - not his usual demeanor. I went to delete an app I had for work since i didnt need it any more...and I noticed the meetme app. under his gmail - which has always been on my phone for mutual contacts. Didnt take me long to figure that out. I made a fake profile and proceeded to initiate a chat with him. In spite of being at work he responded quickly and proceeded to chat up - looking for the next hook up. So if the Stephanie chick thinks she was special he used her disrespectfully as he does all women. I didnt last long. - deception doesnt set well with me. So after about 3 hours of progressive chatting where he would not admit he was married just "its complicated" I finally called him out and let him know he was chatting with me. By this time I had figured out his whole trail of lies and laid it out. The rest is in my other post...the fights, remorse, insults and more. Do I think Ive "won" over Stephanie? Emphatically no...winning is losing - the person he sticks with (me) is ultimately the loser. There is no winning a lying, cheating, abusive, sex and porn addicted narcissistic husband with anger issues! Now he keeps going on about how hes going to fix this and get himself right and how he loves me. Ive told him he needs to look deeper - whatever he thinks he feels or needs me for it is not love. His actions were not/are not love. I have been in the same crappy marriage..perhaps worse for me since Im on the stabbed part of the stick mostly - and yet I have not made those choices. Im not chatting with a man. Ive never given any man my phone number - not my real one or some textnow app like he has. Never been on a date. Never set up a date. Never gone to a porn and glory hole arcade. I dont flirt with men or leer at them. Oh theres soooo many things I havent done! And staying with him...Ive tried that. It doesnt matter if we are doing well together or not - he always eventually lies and deceives. He always gets to be the one that got away with it. Mr. Cool. Mr. Clever. His first therapy session is tomorrow. Good for him. I hope he does get a handle on himself. As I told him he should do it for him - not us, not me, not our marriage. He could have gone on happily being a lying cheat for many more months - getting caught upsets his apple cart tremendously. He ends up depressed and mentions suicide and thoughts of death. He spirals into bids for sympathy by sharing physical ailments - ailments that didnt seem to affect his drive for sex and deceit until he got busted. But ultimately I dont think hes prepared nor has he ever shown the ability to stick with any self improvement. And it would take many months past a year for him to make a substantial change. I hope he does - at the end maybe another, better, relationship that doesnt have a history of war will give him a happy future. But the true total disrespect lies in all the details of his deception and that devil killed his marriage by his choice.
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