My husband comes home and wants a hug. I do it but it’s hard. I have some but lack enough sympathy and empathy right now. I can sense his suppressed anger that I dont just fall over...grateful for his remorse and willingness to work it out. I want to leave in the moment because of the drama. I might come out financially okay post divorce but getting there is a trail of money I dont have. If i stay in the house I would have to request he be evicted. I have no income so no way to get my own place or pay for this one in the interim although the payment is less than current rentals in my area that are shoe box apartments. With a house, kids, and alimony in the picture divorce lawyers run $8000.00 bare minimum which I dont have...nor does my husband. Do my kids deserve to shuffle between two mobile homes (what we would afford!) after living in one house all their lives? I have horses...large dogs who would also suffer. So in many ways as usual I put myself last family first and calculate what is to everyones best interest with mine last.. Even if I could surmount the difficulties what for? I dont have to be a victim in my home...I choose to be happy in spite of my marriage. I compartmentalize it. Its not like I want another relationship..unlike my insecur husband the last thing I want to subject myself to is another round with another man. My dick pickers bad!
My husband failed to disclose some pertinent details of his actions on my good day. As he said...we were doing okay and he didnt want to have to go through it again. So as always its still all about him. Im not sleeping well - I hate listening to all his drama. Dreams are better. When I cant sleep I lie awake with the most annoying images in my head. Of course theres the obvious image. Him on the hotel bed naked fucking his old hag Stephanie. And since Ive seen a number of pictures I dont have to imagine what she looks like. Her jowls sag. Her eyes have puffy rings and loose skin. Shes not ugly but she is homely and most definitely way below anything special. And way below my scale. I am actually a decently hot gal who looks younger than I am. I am still wrinkle free. Although he told me she has the same build as me (insulting stupid thing to say right?!) her boobs are saggier. She got her GED. Her voice is super gravel...manly like. I dont feel threatened..I feel...insulted I guess. But the image that bothers me exponentially more than the graphic sex scene. More than the image of him masturbating in his bedroom talking to her. More than any nasty insulting picture my brain can generate to keep a protective anger. Is the image of my husband sitting in OUR front yard talking to her on the phone for one hour and twenty five minutes while his "family" (I put quotes because to me family is who you care about and he wasn't caring) was sitting in the house. That to me is the biggest violation of all. And the hardest to get by. The one that makes me the angriest. I can delve into why but to the logical of you out there you can figure it out. It violated personal private space. My space, my home. The picture of that is worth a thousand words of disrespect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, lies, deception and lack of moral turpitude.
No comments:
Post a Comment