Weird

 Sometimes the present is a weird place to be. Mostly my husband and I are in stasis. Maybe he’s just playing me again for his own reasons probably worried about losing things. When he’s in the heat of trying or succeeding at cheating he convinces himself that it’s what he needs to be happy. But as a narcissist he will never be happy. Nothing will ever be enough. But I’m riding the tide for now. He has erectile dysfunction. A variety of very strange items in his room show his desperation with this. Electrodes accompanied by cock rings. Different kinds of Ed pills. Butt stuff. He gets hard but sometimes not as easily. He doesn’t always stay fully hard. And only occasionally can he ejaculate. Maybe one out of 6. I’m off my main subject though. A few nights ago we had sex. After a lot of work on my part and hand work he finally came. I was satisfied with that and for him. But within minutes he started displaying the massive insecurity that lurks in him always. He was mad that I was done and didn’t ride him. Was I getting it somewhere else. Was I finishing myself. It went in for a bit and had to have ruined the euphoria he should have wallowed in. Giving for me is positive. But for him sex is about validation. Eventually he came round with more work by me placating him. A couple nights ago I slept with him. I was reluctant considering in the mornings he’s been known to kick me out in unkind ways. But I stayed. It was nice. But then again I left his room at 4am when he got up on my own steam so I don’t know what the play would have been had I stayed in his bed. Then there was another day this week when he talked sex and wanting me all day. When he got home he was tired and it didn’t happen. But he said he’d come in my room in the morning. He didn’t. He apologized by text saying he overslept but he didn’t - he was watching porn at 4am. Meh. I didn’t mention or give much mind space to any of it. So last night was a weird push pull. I was watching tv with my daughter. He wanted me to come to his room. It’s like 8pm. He spends 90% of his time in that little room. My daughter told me I’d better not leave her out there (living room) alone. I kinda started going back and forth making excuses each direction. I finally went back to his room and we had sex. It was only 940 when we were done. I told him I’d just sleep in my room. He said I could stay sort of asked but not directly. Then he asked if I’d enjoyed it it was going to my room to finish myself. I can’t impart the tone of insecurity he asked with. I told him no I was satisfied. He said things referencing me cheating or having a boyfriend. I asked when I would even do that. He said he doesn’t know what I do all day. Hmm. Well he may be able to go fuck a chick during the day and come home and fuck me but that’s not me. Plus he has low standards that helps him find women that are ok with being fucked midday and left but my standards would be higher. And besides I’d planned to let the dogs sleep with me. That was more of placating than a sure thing. My daughter was still in the living room and I wanted to sit with her. Usually if I leave she goes to her room so since she was up I wanted to be there. For me it’s a thought out decision. I wish such minor acts didn’t require so much processing. In a Normal marriage they wouldn’t. But school is online. My daughter doesn’t have many friends and the ones she does are unreliable.She’s lonely. I am her reliability. She’s amazing . I love her to the moon. And in the end she’s always here for me. My husband isn’t. Long term I can count on her. Long term I can’t count on him. So in choices big and small I am going to place my heart on not losing my daughter. I don’t have his heart anyways. Anyways so I sat with her and then fell asleep which I rarely do out there. She woke me to go to bed. She said she had to say my name 4 times. So in fog I went to bed. I remember thinking I should let the dogs in because if I didn’t my husband might be weird but I was sleepy and didn’t want the two shepherds hogging my bed. Mistake. This morning he came in and started imparting paranoia and accusations over the dogs not being in my room. Drama drama. I deflected. Rubbed his shoulders. Missed him.Remained pleasant and unperturbed. Not what a narcissist is after in fact. Then I said well at least it’s not snowing yet. Since he has to work in my mind that meant a safer drive. But he said (as if I were being mean) that no it sucker it would be better for him if it was dumping then he wouldn’t have to work. I replied I just meant for his drive but it drifted behind him as he stomped out of my room and out the front door in a huff without a goodbye. I’m not sure if the dogs had been in my room it would have changed anything. He’d likely found another reason for drama. Sometimes I find it all so weird.